Author: st-web04

my mind is a magnifying glass
that fixes on the need to fix
the crooked objects,
the uneven bedspread,
the clutter of it all

while i search for a handle
reaching deep inside this cavern
like extracting pumpkin pulp,
i attempt to focus on the seeds
which echo a subtle hope

though the sliminess still shows,
the planting, the birthing
nourishes the will to let go—
because a magnifying glass
can also augment the divine

This piece is about my dealings with obsessive-compulsive tendencies and the experience of that. It’s about the process of uncovering the roots of how I act, how my brain works. In this endeavor, I have learned to see some of the beauty within it. Because the main facet I deal with is perfectionism, I tried to emphasize how I just need to let go of flaws sometimes. This can be seen in the last stanza. Anyway, I hope that people can relate in some way to this piece, maybe even if it’s just the broad theme of finding a tinge of gold in the thick mud…

Freeze
 I can feel you
 Even when
 You aren’t here
 It’s as if
 My heart and Thoughts
 Just freeze

 Then the panic settles in,
 My mouth moves of its own accord
 Words spinning out like the whirling gears
 And hands of an overactive clock,
 Slipping away with the time I’m losing. 

 All I want is to calmly say hello,
 Feigned aloof grace I try to bring to bear,
 But what comes out is a distorted croak, 
 A frog crying for help, lost among funhouse mirrors. 

 You catch it anyway
 My words shredded into wisps by wind.
 That easy smile, a candle lit to 
 Light the way, as I fumble through the dark.
 
 I reach out to grasp your hand, 
 Marching, lurching, deadened by the bog
 Of my own infernal awkwardness. 

I wrote this during a time when I was incredibly depressed and struggling to find a sense of self-worth and the only thing that got me through was a friend who was living in Ireland and would talk to me even with the massive difference in time.

The Battle Within
What it is to think right from wrong.
Trying to be my best self, but still don’t feel all too strong.
To prolong the perpetuation of this lifelong goal. 
The goal of being gracious, sagacious, and turning the other cheek.
But forgive me for I am rather rapacious, for my future seems rather bleak.
The heart wants to be benevolent, most actions give ethos and are evident.
But oh how the mind yearns to use everything for its benefit.
To be beguiling, never revealing, and reticent of all feeling.

The never-ending fight of wanting to go down the rabbit hole of pure pleasure and inconsideration.
Through the endless cogitation of self-preservation is more often than not, the revelation and causation of one’s own demise.
We think we are genuine and kind as people. But through the constant smoke and mirrors we show ourselves, I ask you, are we really all that wise?
Perhaps I am cynical or pessimistic with thoughts in my mind…
To believe we will doom ourselves as a humankind.
Or am I simply unrefined for this lifetime?

For this piece, I wouldn’t say it’s about a specific mental illness but more so about the mental battle within ourselves. The battle of striving to be the best person I can be possibly be or going along with my internal desires of being manipulative and cunning for my own benefit. The internal struggle of being benevolent even though I may have a very pessimistic view on people from past experiences which effects how I think today. Regardless, I believe we all have desires we don’t follow through with and I personally think people are blinding themselves to how deleterious we really as a society and personally. Which in the end will prove to be our demise. Either way, I thank you for taking the time to read this and allowing me to share my words and be somewhat of an outlet for my mind.

A poem of elements and anger at not being functional in a dysfunctional world. Elements should be read in following order: Air, Water, Earth, Metal, and Fire (Sun).

Wanted
I be getting five stars in GTA just to feel wanted.
Saying I’m done because the stuff inside my head make me feel haunted.
Thinking about my homework like I gata get on it.
Everyone saying life’s out there, but do I even want it.
Always making people smile because I know how it feels not to be wanted.
Going back and forth like am I good or am I evil.
Do I stay with her or do I leave her?
These thoughts switching up in my head like Kronk pull the leaver.
People going in and out of my life like no monogamy.
So I had to be up for the challenge I mean hey I’d choose me.

My poem more closely connects to those who knows how it feels to be in a crowd and feel alone. When everyone is there for you yet you don’t see anyone. To let them know that it’s okay.

A thought so forceful and intrusive
It collides with my skull,
Playing music that my ears don’t want to hear.
An inexplicable thought,
A stranger in disguise
Who fools around with my mind,
Choosing different corners to inhabit.
A thought that comes whenever it pleases,
Despite being an unwanted visitor,
And an overstayed guest.
Maybe I have been consumed,
And am living in the belly of a beast I will never be able to identify.

This is a short poem about intrusive thoughts, which are a by-product of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.